Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Newness of Myself
It begins again. But I am still getting older. The hair is thinning and I might be sick. No more soda, no more cigarettes, and I am hating all of this. My son lives to far away and it is even farther now that the second child is on her way. And yet I do nothing. No real improvement - no real change has occurred. I have always thought of myself as a liar and a cheat, but a person who could be good one day given a chance. Given an opportunity to improve I would snatch it by the tail and swallow it whole and bask in my own greatness while feigning humility. But it was all a lie intertwined with with a romantic concept of some sort of street nobility. I am of no real good. No real merit. And the people I seek to impress the most with my honesty and self confidence are the people I lie to and hide from the most. I am a unwanted child with children I cannot keep because weakness pours out of me and covers me in the stench of ultimate failure and stupidity. Even with all of this - I am worse than this... but any more honesty might make it impossible for me to waste another day pretending I am alive.
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3 comments:
I wish I knew what to say to cheer you up. Just know that all is not perfect in the world. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Being separated from your son so close to Christmas must be very difficult. Don't be so hard on yourself though.
i agree with John, but also remember this what does not kill you makes you stronger.
We have to face consequences of what we do, and I am sure you'll take it like a man.
Don't ever loose faith.
Sean, first let me say that I just read some of your work for the first time and think that you have a lot going for you. My blog http://thenormalmale.wordpress.com talks about Normal Males that can communicate, be honest, and humble about their experiences. My mission is to call out those males who are a terrible representation of Normal men but that which the media seems to soak up. I am working on a project to understand what the real Normal is for males and would love your thoughts. I suspect that the evolution of our gender lies in our ability to speak to our fragility not our preconceived strengths. Feel free to email me!
Warm Regards,
Dr. Rod
drrod@thenormalmale.com
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